Something that really annoys me...

I just remembered how irritated I was this morning. This is possibly one of the most annoying things that can happen: being rudely awakened by a screaming alarm clock at 5:30 a.m. and wondering why in the world the alarm clock is blaring at you on a saturday morning. And then, THEN, after 10 minutes of trying to ignore the stupid thing in your coma-like sleep state you remember it's Friday (thanks to your smarter husband) and it was right and you were wrong. Grr.

We need to hear from everyone who knows more than we do...

Does anyone know anything about home loans or the process of purchasing a home? We have decided that the next step we need to take is to buy a house. And that step has been sped up by about 2 years since the housing market out here is about to go through the roof. So, we are trying to buy a house and hopefully within the next few months to a year we will be moving again...at least it will not be halfway across the country this time!

We have looked at new models and we have a relator working for us on houses that are a few years old. We have to get prequalified for a mortgage first though before he really starts to work for us. I guess if we aren't approved, then he is just wasting his time. Anyway, does anyone have any suggestions or advice on what the heck we should or shouldn't be doing? We are clueless! And I'm not really even sure if we will be able to get approved for a loan...so I'm pretty scared we won't be able to buy a house. I mean, we are looking at A LOT of money. A LOT. Houses out here have doubled in the past year (which is why we want to get in so quick) but I just don't feel like we would ever be able to get a mortgage for what we would need. Tim keeps telling me that we have money and that we have really good credit and that I should just look at the monthly payments, which would be only slightly more than our rent right now. So, I guess I shouldn't be so worried but entering this phase of 'surburbia-ness' is a little frightening.

UPDATE: I talked to the mortgage guy earlier. He took all of our income/debt info and ran a credit report. He called back (I was prepared for the worst) and we were approved for WAY MORE than I ever expected. Like scary huge amount of money. I guess Tim was right and our credit is really good. I am amazed right now but it scares me that if we actually bought a house for this much, we would have that much debt. And that much money to me is absolutely nuts.

So, our relator is now working. He already sent me several listings and I feel like the ball is just rolling out of control. If we don't build a new house, at the rate things are going we could be into a house like SUPER fast. That, to me, is scary. Part of my plan when I was a teenager and even during my first few years at Gracleand, was to never settle into the surburbia thing. Of course, I never PLANNED to be married now either. I planned to be single (or dating someone but doing my OWN thing) and living overseas or in LA or New York City. And I was going to be a writer or a nutritionist/trainer, not an accountant. Funny how things work out completely different than you'd ever expect...but better. I love my life now but buying a house is like accepting that all my 'plans' are out the window. Even last year, I half expected Tim and I to like buy or rent a loft in the city or something... not buy a house and be the typical suburbia couple... but I think I'm ok with the idea now. Having a yard and room to grow will be nice. But all that debt and EQUITY (like real grown-ups have!) will be scary. I am starting to like the idea, though, of having something of our own. Just as long as we don't even consider kids for about 10 years, then I will be fine. The intended plan will still partially be real. Until I met Tim, I never wanted kids. But now look at me, I never really thought I would consider owning my own home until I was like 80 and couldn't go anywhere. It's funny though. I've realized that plans changed on the outside but the ultimate plan is happiness. And that's where I'm at right now. Total and complete happiness in my, our life.

Lunch for breakfast?

I am sleepwalking today...it's one of those days where you feel like you just are never fully with it. Not like dead tired but just not altogether there. So, being that I'm like this today, I had the weirdest breakfast I've probably ever had. It seems kind of like something you would eat if you were pregnant (and, just to clarify, I AM NOT pregnant).

1st course: Kashi TLC ranch crackers (I think I ate more this morning than I packed to eat for my ACTUAL lunch)
2nd course: Several carrots (I ate a few while I was packing a bag for my ACTUAL lunch...again)
3rd course: Was going to have toast but then decided it would be better as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
4th course: Several big bites of Tim's cinnamon roll (dessert for me?)
5th course: Huge mug of green tea

Yummy... the more I think about it the more disgusting it sounds. I feel so gross right now. But tomorrow's Friday and since today is the DAY BEFORE the best day of the week, it doesn't really matter that I just consumed the weirdest breakfast ever and actually enjoyed it.

Update: CRAP for lunch
So today at work I had some TLC ranch crackers, carrots, and a granola bar for lunch. I didn't bring a lot because I knew we were having a birthday party for July birthdays here. What I DIDN'T know was that I would eat the biggest piece of cake I've ever seen in my life. And yes, I ate it all. It was white cake with strawberry filling and it was coated with frosting. It was probably 5 inches by 5 inches. It probably had 600 calories in itself...I feel so disgusting now!!! So, healthiness has gone out the door from minute one today. Yuck. And tonight I will probably eat more crap because I always do at night... Oh well, at least it was an enjoyable piece of cake. But now I need to run a marathon so that my thighs don't show the enjoyment.

DUSTSTORM WARNING!

The greater Phoenix area is under a duststorm warning right now! We have seen one from the distance but we haven't been in one since we've been out here... they look cool as long as you are somewhere safe. It is being caused by a thunderstorm to the east of us (we have had a hard time getting used to the idea of thunderstorms coming in from the east...it seems so backwards!) Since monsoon season is officially underway we've had severe thunderstorms every evening and night for about the past week or two weeks (yes it thunders, lightnings, blows, and even RAINS here). But no dust storms yet... Someone told me that only the desert here and the desert over in the middle east have these kind of storms. I'm kind of excited to see what they are all about... Good thing we haven't washed the cars recently!

Update: We have still not seen a duststorm. It only hit the northeastern corner of the valley. We could see the huge wall of dust (like we have before) but it didn't come over us.

This is not the promised post...

We got an awesome rice cooker from Crate and Barrel for our wedding. It's so cool I really can't believe we haven't used it before now. Anyway, we decided to make Chinese food for dinner the other night (I know it sounds like an impressive feat to me, too but it was really pretty easy). So we had the instruction book out to the rice cooker and noticed that there were some recipes in the back. I was trying to multitask (a thing that Tim is not so great at by no fault of his own...it might be a gender thing but I don't want to get in trouble by saying that. He does have his moments of successful multitasking but cooking is not one of them) by getting everything going at once (so it would all finish at once). So, while I was doing that Tim was reading the recipes.

Tim: "There are some really fancy recipes back here."
Jenn (half listening, scrambling around): "Oh really?"
Tim: "Yeah, we should make them sometime. There's one called [what sounded like] un rissotto de fleur."
Jenn: "Yeah that does sound fancy. What's in it?"
Tim: "A bunch of things I've never heard of. Like 1 gram of un solicito and some other weird things."
Jenn (attention now caught by the fact that he said GRAMS, not a Northern American measurement): "Let me see that."
Jenn (laughing): "Tim you are reading the FRENCH recipes."
Tim (laughing): "Oh man, I am an idiot."
Jenn: "I am so going to post about this."

So, as promised, honey, here's the post to publically announce your moment. A moment that rarely occurs with you but when it does, it is all I can do to not laugh about it for a while. It would have been even more funny if he had actually tried to make this recipe... wonder how that would've turned out.

Today history was made...at least in our household

I am SO excited. Like bubbly excited. For the stupidest reason. Probably like how parents get excited when they potty train their kids or their kids do something really great. I might have to post about this thing before I post about our weekend. Mainly because I am lazy and haven't put the pictures of the weekend on my computer yet but also because I'm so excited about this new thing, stupid as it may be, that I might just have to post about it and SOON! But it's so dumb and really kind of disgusting that I am still debating...check back later.

I'm going to go drink a Dr. Pepper. I am getting back into my bad habit of drinking soda a lot. Ugh.

Third time's a charm

Last night marked three consectutive Sunday nights where we couldn't sleep. WHAT. IS. OUR. PROBLEM?

Time we first went to bed, feeling tired: 10:30 p.m.
Times I got out of bed between 10:30-12:00: 5
Time the clock said the last time I looked: 2:23 a.m.
Time the alarm went off this morning: 5:30 a.m.

Really I am not feeling too bad...nothing like last week at this time. Hopefully no major wave of exaustion will sweep over me in the next 8 hours. Right now I feel pretty good. I guess maybe I just didn't need sleep. I just feel bad for keeping Tim awake.

Traffic this morning was awesome! Our weekend was so fun, too...I will post about it later-I have pictures! Oh, and I just looked at my calendar and realized that Tim and I have been married for 10 months today... we don't really keep track of the months thing but I really can't believe we are this close to a year. Last year at this time I was so stressed out. And I mean stressed and freaking out in the biggest senses. Loved the experience of the wedding craze, but I'm so glad that it's now and not then.

Confessions and probably more than you really cared to know...

Here we go: I am a recovering anorexic. I have been at a healthy weight now for about 2 years. I say recovering because I think I will always be recovering. I don't view eating the way every other normal person does and I probably never will. Every day I make a conscious effort to eat, knowing that it just takes that one time to relapse and become the way I used to be. It would be so easy to do that especially on days that I feel huge and ugly. My body image feels permanently distorted. I have enough intelligence to KNOW that I am not fat. But when I see myself in the mirror I still see a fat girl. I weigh 114 pounds on good days, 120 on bad days. I will not let myself go over 120. When I do, I freak out. I know this is stupid and I know most people would love to weigh 120. So, I'm sorry if this offends anyone. It is just me and it doesn't have anything to do with my perception of anyone else. I do not think that 120 pounds is what everyone should weigh. I do not think that anyone above 120 pounds is fat or looks bad...AT ALL. This is purely and solely about me and what I think ABOUT MYSELF. Just know that. Trust me when I say that this behavior is an improvement.

Three years ago at this time, I weighed 80-85 pounds. I wore a size 00 (that's right, two zeros-I didn't know that sizes went that small, either). Or a girls size 12. My 2's and 4's from my prior weight were falling off of my bones. I had only 7-10% body fat. A healthy woman's body fat should be 20-40% (I am happy to report that mine now varies from 23-29%). It all started off innocently enough. When I was a kid, I was overweight. I was 130 pounds of leftover babyfat when I was 12 and I was four inches shorter than I am now. Being called pregnant at 12 is definitely not cool. But when I started to grow, the weight came off. So, I was always a healthy 110-115 in high school and I didn't gain any weight in college. But the spring of my sophomore year in college, I decided that I was going to eat healthier and exercise more. I wouldn't eat any meat aside from fish and turkey, I wouldn't eat any hydrogenated oils or processed foods, and I wouldn't eat any refined sugars. So I basically ate fruits and vegetables and A LOT of boca burgers (veggie burgers)...not enough to compensate for the added exercise I was doing. It was a healthy plan at first but when the weight started coming off (quickly, I might add) I kept eating less and less so that I wouldn't gain the weight back. And it snowballed...

I never really thought I had a problem. Tim always confronted me and we would have 5 hour conversations about what was going on. And my argument was always, "I am JUST BEING HEALTHY." But see, this thing, it not only affects your external body but it affects your mind, your entire life. In the worst of it, no one could reach me. I was oblivious to my behavior and to the people around me that I was hurting. I had mood swings like you wouldn't believe. I refused to go to restaurants. If I was forced, all I ate was basically lettuce. I wouldn't go to people's houses if we were going to be eating there. When I went to my grandma's house for our annual golf vacation, I brought a week long supply of the foods I would eat. And I LOVED my grandma's food when I was growing up (I still do). I worked out 2 hours in the morning, 2 hours at night. I avoided eating in front of people at all costs. I wanted everyone to think I was eating more than I was. For breakfast I ate a small dry bowl of kashi cereal with a couple of chunks of watermelon, for lunch I ate a handful of carrots and some turkey, and for dinner I mostly ate a boca burger and some veggies. Sometimes I made non-fat, sugarless jello (the box said it was a FREE food-meaning no calories. This really excited me at the time). I allowed myself to have 3 pieces of sugarless gum a day. Oh, yes, and I ate a lot of ketchup. I put it on everything. I even used it as a salad dressing. I didn't even eat peanut butter! No fat, period. I remember one day Tim made me eat three small oatmeal raisin cookies made by my mom (my absolute favorite to this day). But at this point in my life, they were like someone making me ingest poison. I ran for three hours after I ate them to burn them off-one hour for each cookie. ON average I probably ate 700 calories a day. Some days it was probably more like 500. Tim told me once that he didn't even like to hug me because he felt like he could just break me in half. I weighed myself at least 10 times a day.

I was emaciated. I looked physically ill. My upper legs were the size of Tim's arms. People were always whispering to my mom, asking if I was sick, suggesting that I go to the doctor to make sure everything was ok since I had lost so much weight. I actually signed a modeling contract that summer. I went to one shoot and a lady there asked how old I was. When I said I would be a junior in college she shockingly said, "Oh, honey, I'm sorry! I thought you were only 12 or so." I will never forget that. Even the modeling agents told me I needed to gain weight and in that industry, usually the opposite advice is given. When I look back at the pictures from one of those shoots, I can't believe how small and frail I looked.

There is nothing scarier than the two things that happened that helped to bring me back to reality: 1) Having your heart beat so fast that it feels like it is going to explode while you are falling asleep but doing everything in your power to not fall asleep because you are afraid you might not wake up the next morning. 2) Finally going to have the doctor and hearing her say that if you don't gain weight you could face the very real risk of never having kids. I didn't have a period for 8 months to a year. I later learned that when your body is 'starved' things like menstruation are the first to go because that isn't a necessity to keep you alive. My doctor immediately put me on birth control (which I adamently refused to take at first because I didn't want to gain weight). My greatest fear to this day is that I screwed up my body so much that I am infertile. It still makes me cry if I think about it long enough.

After my doctor's appointment that day, I cried in my car and then went out and bought a bag of peanut butter m&m's. I made myself eat the whole bag before I left the parking lot. It took about 45 minutes (and this was just one of the small bags that you buy at the checkout line). If I wasn't so petrified of barfing, I would have thrown them up right then and there. But I didn't. Instead, I just didn't eat anything the rest of the day. But the healing process had started.

I am still amazed when I look back at how seriously hard it was to gain weight and to resume a healthy weight, and not what I used to view as healthy (as an anorexic). It is by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to overcome...harder than college, harder than growing up, harder than leaving home, harder than getting my wisdom teeth pulled, harder than losing my first love. I have never been a drug addict (or done any or tried any drugs-just to clarify) but I assume that this must be similar to what a battle a drug addict faces when they come off drugs. I relapsed so many times. Eat one day, don't eat the next. I cried so many times. It took a good year of constant struggles and internal battles to get back up to 110 pounds. The birth control helped (in fact, after the year of gaining my weight back, it actually made me gain so much weight that I weighed 132 pounds. When I switched to a different pill, I lost the 'water weight').

I also went to a tea in Colorado that summer with Tim's mom and a few other of Tim's girl relatives. I ate a little bit of a scone and that was another turning point for me. That scone was SOO good. It made me start to LIKE eating again. Of course, I hardly ate anything the rest of that day but I never forgot how good that scone was and it helped me to start adding some fat to my diet. I also started a 'food diary' during my gaining period. I would put smiley faces on days where I hardly ate anything and frowns on days where I ate a lot (or what was a lot to me). Each calorie was counted down to the most miniscule crumb so days with frowns were days with 900+ calories. I still feel so sad at how distorted I was when I look back on this diary. It is a painful reminder of who I was then. You really become a whole different person when you are like this. I can't believe that Tim stuck with me in this whole situation. I know I wouldn't have liked myself if I was on the outside. He has told me that this time period was the closest he has ever coming to leaving me. I still don't know understand what it was that made him stay but I'm glad he did. Otherwise, I might not be here. I couldn't have gotten better without him.

This is the reason why I am so disgusted by people like Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie. There is no way that they are just losing baby fat, eating healthier, or exercising more. I said these same things. They sound exactly like I did three years ago. And I looked similar to what they do-emaciated, sick. It makes me so sad to hear that so many people think they actually look good. They look unhealthy! Like bones walking around. How is this anyone's definition of beauty?

The most important thing I have learned from this whole ongoing process is that healthiness is the ultimate goal. Real healthiness, pure healthiness, not distorted healthiness. Where your whole body feels and looks good, you are happy, you are whole, you are not self involved with some obsession, and you are aware of all of the good things surrounding you. You are not completely and totally obsessed and thinking only about what you are or are not eating. You know the point of total healthiness because you feel your best...like who you were always meant to become.

Body image is a product of our society. If you go by what you 'should' look like, most people would feel inadequate. I have learned to block that out on most days and to just strive to be my healthiest, MY best everyday. To cherish the people I love most and to notice the good things around me. To not be so selfish and focused on myself which for me involves eating for me and for everyone around me who cares about me. People with anorexia are the way they are for control. For control of their body, for control of what goes into their body, for control of something in their out of control life, for control of what size of clothes they wear. For me, I just plain out lost control. I don't know how it got so bad or why I let it, but I can personally testify that if affects everyone around you and it does so in the most negative way possible.

I see so many girls who look like I used to. I can spot them from a mile away...there is something in their faces that gives it all away. When I look back at pictures, I have this same look in my face. I just want to reach out to them, to hold them, to tell them that I know and understand what they are going through but that they HAVE to stop. I know they wouldn't listen because I didn't. But I still want to tell them anyway that being truly healthy is so much better than anything they are now.

Life is short and wasting it on self destruction is a waste of time that could be spent laughing, loving and living life to its fullest. On the toughest of days now when I feel like my size four is too big, when the scale reads 122 or my body fat reads 29%, and I am so tempted to just turn around and not eat and to return to where I was three years ago, I am reminded of this important truth and it always gives me enough strength to enable me to be my healthiest self and to accept myself as I am. And then, to prove that I am vibrant, well, alive and not going back to the scariest time of my life, I go and eat a huge bowl of mixed up ice cream, peanut butter and oreos. Because I know now that I AM healthy. That I am taking care of myself by not having total control all of the time and by letting myself indulge by eating and living my life. That I am never going to convince myself again that where I was three years ago defined 'healthiness.' That I am ok with the fact that I am not the skinniest person in the world and that, really, I'm the only one who ever cared anyway. That being skinny, THAT skinny, is not all its cracked up to be. That being healthy wins every day over trying to be so thin you hurt yourself. That I am never going to let a scale or society's perception of beauty affect my mood or my life to that extent again.

Happy day before friday!

I just lost everything in a spreadsheet I have been working on for two days. Lovely. I have no idea what to do now because the idea of redoing all of my work seems so stupid...not to mention the most frustrating thing I can think of. Oh well...tomorrow's friday, right?

Question of the day...

for anyone who has a clue or a guess.

Are motorcyclists just plain out stupid or are they just somewhat suicidal and riding their motorcyle is like their last ride before their death?

I think riding motorcycles is dumb in the first place but I don't really care what other people like to do. But please, people be smart enough to wear a helmet! I see no helmets more often than I do. I actually see helmets so seldomly that I have to blink twice to make sure my eyes are ok when I see someone wearing one. In addition most people on the bikes I see are wearing just shorts and a t-shirt--on the freeway! Oh and by the way, I pass at LEAST one motorcycle accident a day. I really think these guys (or girls) have a death wish.

Some happier thoughts

I feel like my last post was really mean and whiny. So here are a few pictures of things that make me really happy.

One of my all time favorite pictures. From left: J.P., Amber, Andy, Aaron, Jill, Tim and me in Colorado.

Of course I had to put one of this day!

Timmy and I after the wedding.

Jill, J.P., and Aaron at Tim and Aaron's MBA graduation dinner.

In Oahu last year. Snorkling boys who were almost lost to sea. My brother, Jon, Dad, and Tim. The story makes me laugh everytime I think about it...especially since they made it back.

Last year in Maui. Tim, my mom, my dad, and my little brother.

I laugh everytime I see this picture. The brothers: Tim, Aaron, Ryan, and Rudy (the dog).

Two of our great friends, Travis and Rachel (with me in the background). We miss them!

Our little mini car. I smile every time I see this car (or any Mini) because I think they are so cute.